I am constantly being sent lovely little articles in newsletters and e-mails that make me smile and lift my spirits.  We all know how much benefit a smile brings to one's life, and indeed the Word of God says that

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine..." (Proverbs 17:22 KJV).

So, I hope that these little bits and pieces bring a smile to your face,
lift your spirits, and fill your heart with peace and joy.

No wonder God loves little children.

These are letters sent to God by little children:

Dear God,
     I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.  That was cool!
Signed, Eugene

Dear God,
     Did  you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Signed, Norma

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Signed, Nan

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach  about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.  Several hands went up.  The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

THIS ONE IS FABULOUS!!!   
It was written by an 8-year-old, Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, for his third-grade homework assignment.  The assignment was to explain God.  Wonder if any of us could do as well?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXPLAIN   GOD

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leaves that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and people finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.

Keep these thoughts with you throughout the coming years!

• If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

• If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

• He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

• Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

• He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

• What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem; not to mention that Friday at Calvary.

Face it, He's crazy about you. 

Why Women Cry...

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.  His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

The perks of being over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P. M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health! insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

A CHILD'S PRAYER

A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.  "What are you doing?" he asked her.
She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think  of just what I wanted to say.  So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however He thinks best."

One Liners

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -- until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. (So do ticks and fleas! )

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation leans on the bell.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion. "

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts! "

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-Pilot - swap seats!

Prayer:  Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Catholic Elementary School Test

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.  If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious!  It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected.  (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

(Author unknown)

WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.  He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.  I took his vital signs and had him take a seat,  knowing it would be over  an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.  While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation.  I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.  The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health.  He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late.  He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and  thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic.  True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

Author Unknown

Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even thought it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?". Without missing a meat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Though shall not kill."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

THE RAIN

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.

Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen, spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat.  "Dad, I'm thinking of something."

This announcement usually mean she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered.  I was eager to hear.

"What are you thinking?"  I asked.

"The rain" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sings away."

After the chill bumps raced up my arms, I was able to respond.  "That's really good, Aspen."  Then my curiosity broke in.  How far would this little girl take this revelation?  So I asked... "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming?  What does that tell you?"

Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer:  "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."

I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.

Author Unknown

This is in two parts - the prayer (in brown type) and GOD (in black type)

THE LORD'S PRAYER  -  rather cleverly done.

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
YES?

Don't interrupt me.  I'm praying.
BUT -- YOU CALLED ME!

Called you?  No, I didn't call you.  I'm praying.  Our Father who art in heaven.
THERE -- YOU DID IT AGAIN.

Did what?
CALLED ME.  YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN".  WELL HERE I AM.  WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

But I didn't mean anything by it.  I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.  I always say the Lord's Prayer.  It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.  GO ON.

Okay, Hallowed be Thy name...
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

By what?
BY "HALLOWED BE THEY NAME"?

It means, it means ... good grief, I don't know what it means.  How in the world should I know?  It's just a part of the prayer.  By the way, what does it mean?
IT MEANS HONOURED, HOLY, WONDERFUL.

Hey, that makes sense.  I never thought about what "hallowed" meant before.  Thanks.  Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

Sure, why not?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

Doing?  Why, nothing, I guess.  I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like  you have up there.  We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
YES, I KNOW; BUT, HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU?

Well, I go to church.
THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU.  WHAT ABOUT YOUR BAD TEMPER?  YOU'VE REALLY GOT A PROBLEM THERE, YOU KNOW.  AND THEN THERE'S THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY -- ALL ON YOURSELF.  AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIND OF BOOKS YOU READ?

Now hold on just a minute!  Stop picking on me!  I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
EXCUSE ME.  I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR MY WILL TO BE DONE.  IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT.  LIKE YOU -- FOR EXAMPLE.

Oh, all right.  I guess I do have some hang-ups.  Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
SO COULD I.

I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things.  I would like to, you know, be really free.
GOOD.  NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.  WE'LL WORK TOGETHER -- YOU AND ME.  I'M PROUD OF YOU.

Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here.  This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.  Give us this day, our daily bread.
YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD.  YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS.

Hey, wait a minute!  What is this?  Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING.  YOU JUST MIGHT GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR.  REMEMBER, YOU CALLED ME -- AND HERE I AM.  IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW.  KEEP PRAYING.

... pause ...
WELL, GO ON.

I'm scared to.
SCARED?  OF WHAT?

I know what you'll say.
TRY ME.

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
WHAT ABOUT CAROL?

See?  I knew it!  I knew you would bring her up!  Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.  She never paid back the money she owes me.  I've sworn to get even with her!
 BUT -- YOUR PRAYER -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRAYER?

I didn't -- mean it.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST.  BUT, IT'S QUITE A LOAD CARRYING AROUND ALL THAT BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT, ISN'T IT?

Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.  Boy, have I got some plans for her.  She'll wish she had never been born.
NO, YOU WON'T FEEL ANY BETTER.  YOU'LL FEEL WORSE.  REVENGE ISN'T SWEET.  YOU KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE -- WELL, I CAN CHANGE THAT.

You can?  How?
FORGIVE CAROL.  THEN, I'LL FORGIVE YOU; AND THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE CAROL'S PROBLEM -- NOT YOURS.  YOU WILL HAVE SETTLED THE PROBLEM AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED.

Oh, you know, you're right.  You always are.  And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You..., (sigh).  All right...all right...I forgive her.
THERE NOW!  WONDERFUL!  HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Hmmmmm.  Well, not bad.  Not bad at all!  In fact, I feel pretty great!  You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.  I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
YEAH, I KNOW.  BUT, YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER ARE YOU?  GO ON.

Oh, all right.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
GOOD!  GOOD!  I'LL DO THAT.  JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE TEMPTED.

What do you mean by that?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Yeah.  I know.
OKAY.  GO AHEAD.  FINISH YOUR PRAYER.

For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.  Amen.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY -- WHAT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY?

No, but I'd like to know.  I want to please you now.  I've really made a mess of things.  I want to truly follow you.  I can see now how great that would be.  So, tell me ... how do I make you happy?
YOU JUST DID!

Sent through one of the groups I belong to by John Naberhaus.

So, for SAFETY'S sake,
attend church, and read your Bible

Sent to me by Ernie, from www.godlymen.org
Thank you, Ernie, for allowing me to share this with God's people.

Virus Alert: THE CURSE

Alert! This is a notice to inform you of THE CURSE. The most devastating virus known to humanity.

 Infection status:
You are already infected! (Romans 3:23) (The CURSE was downloaded by Adam and Eve and we all are born into it.)

 Damage:
Every component of your life is affected. We have been brought under the wrath of God (Eph. 2:3); made liable to all miseries in this life, to death itself, and even to the pains of hell forever!

Remedy:
The only remedy is complete forensic reconfiguration of all component parts. This is called Justification. (Eph. 1:7; 2 Cor. 5:21) This is followed by a radical lifetime software purge called Sanctification. (2 Thess. 3:13; Eph. 4:24) The only means of rescue from the power and results of THE CURSE is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. (Acts 4:12)

Cost:
You cannot purchase this remedy. It is not so simple. The cost is the eternal wrath of God.

Access:
You may acquire justification free of charge. "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved." (Acts 16:31) The price was already paid on the cross of Christ.  "Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Rom. 5:1,2)

For more information and validation, consult the only User's Manual - The Holy Bible.

 WARNING - THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
Please do not disregard this warning. Do not delay! The CURSE impairs logical functions, input and output, processing and communication, linkup with other systems, and corrupts all disks. The final result will be a total crash. The time of the crash cannot be ascertained, but the fate is worse than mere termination.

The good news is that Christ is available by 24 hour access. No hardware necessary. Simply place all of your trust in Him as the only One Who can give you a home in heaven. Your own configurations will not help you, only faith in Christ can!

"For by grace are you saved through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Eph. 2:8,9)

Author Unknown

How to Use PSP


Supplies you will need: 1 computer, 1 chair, 1 desk, 1 cat, 1 spouse, 1 car, 1 copy of Paint Shop Pro , one 6-pack, clothing optional.
Step 1: Fix yourself a drink. I prefer Coke myself, but there are times when I wonder if a shot of gin might help. I tried Cafe Mocha once, but that makes a mess when the cat flies from the top of the china cabinet to your desk.

Step 2: Put the cat outside or in another room and let her clean the Cafe Mocha off her own feet. I tried to clean her up once but it took me days to get the fur off my tongue.

Step 3: On the way back from putting the cat out, make a stop in the kitchen and whine because you're all out of Oreos. Decide you can make do with Chips Ahoy and remove 2 from the bag. Place them on a plate and put them in the microwave for 10 seconds. During those 10 seconds, pace around the kitchen island and begin to imagine colors in your mind. Pastels? Bright Primaries? Muted earth tones? Dark shades of gray?

Step 4: Remove the plate of cookies from the microwave, change your mind, put your clothes on, grab your wallet, and head for the nearest Quik Mart to buy Oreos. After all, quality images require quality snack food!

Step 5: Return home, get back into your comfy clothes, and sit down at your computer and rip that bag of Oreos open with your teeth. That will show your computer who's the boss around there.

Step 6: Open your PSP program. Watch it come to life on the screen before you. Smile with the knowledge that tonight you will create a masterpiece. A computer graphic that will be so superb, so spectacular, it will make the world sit up and take notice.

Step 7: Open a new image. 400 pixels by 400 pixels. When it shows up black on your monitor, close that, and open a new one with a transparent background. Open an Oreo and eat the half without the filling.

Step 8: Fill the transparent image with a background of your choice. Change your mind and undo it. Search your files for a different background. Lick the filling off the other Oreo half.

Step 9: Find the perfect background for your image. Celebrate by eating the other half Oreo.

Step 10: Fill your transparent image with that perfect background. Decide that isn't quite as perfect as it looked, growl, undo it, and open another Oreo. But don't eat it.

Step 11: Search through the CD where you've been storing special images. Reboot your computer when your CD-Rom freezes. While your computer restarts, wander across the living room and end up in the kitchen by accident. Nibble a handful of peanuts.

Step 12: Repeat Steps 6 & 7, substituting a smirk for the smile.

Step 13: Fill the transparent image with a solid color of your choice. Celebrate by eating that Oreo you opened and left laying on your desk. That's right. The half the cat didn't get when she jumped up on your desk while you were nibbling peanuts in the kitchen. You didn't put her out did you?

Step 14:Decide you don't like the light color you filled the image with and change it to a darker color. Change your mind once more and settle for a medium dark color. Celebrate by twisting open an Oreo and eating the half with the filling first.

Step 15: Run to the kitchen and answer the phone. Tell the nice man you don't need new carpeting. Munch on a few potato chips while discussing the weekends events with your spouse.

Step 16:Wander to the living room and look at the TV. Wonder to yourself if maybe you'd be more inspired if you had a good movie playing while you paint. Plug in your favorite movie. Have trouble with the *tracking adjustment*, leave the fuzzy lines across the bottom of the TV screen.

Step 17: Sit back down at your computer and look at the image with the medium dark color. Notice the cat sitting under the dining room table eating the last half of your Oreo. Make a mental note to replace the cat with a parakeet.

Step 18: Wonder what would happen if you applied a filter to that solid color. Attempt to apply a filter. When nothing happens attempt to apply another filter. Make a third try. Realize that your filters aren't working.

Step 19: Go to PaintShopPro / Plugins / Filters. Yup! They're all there. Check to see if you unzipped them. Check to see if you installed them. Check to see if you unzipped and installed them into the right folder.

Step 20: Unzip and install all those filters you downloaded. Close out all windows and reboot your computer. Wander into the kitchen while your computer restarts. Make yourself a turkey on white sandwich. Extra mayo.

Step 21: Sit back down at your computer. Repeat Step 6. You forgot to save your image didn't you? Repeat Step 7 with no smile.

Step 22: Fill your transparent image with a solid color. Any color. You don't care what anymore.

Step 23: Attempt to apply a filter. Make another attempt. Find that some work and some don't. Send a hasty email to a friend asking why this is happening.

Step 24: Make a quick run to the bathroom, then zip through the kitchen on your way back and freshen your drink. Scotch might be appropriate at this phase, settle for another coke.

Step 25: Hear your email sound go off. Rush back to your computer, tripping over the cat, and spilling half the drink on the carpet. If the kids are out of earshot, use one of your favorite words and mop up the spill.

Step 26: Sit down at your computer and read the email from your friend. It speaks of setup.exe, msvcrt10.dll, and plugin.dll, C:\windows\, C:\windows\system, D:\PaintShopPro\Plugins\. HUH? WHAT? WHERE?

Step 27: Growl and eat 2 whole Oreos.

Step 28: Return to your PSP program and look at your image with the acceptable solid color background. It's a nice color. Maybe not the nicest, but nice. Decide you could live with that. It's not so bad. You might even come to like it. Eat 3 more Oreos as you contemplate all this.

Step 29: Finally decide that this new image is finished. It's fabulous! A true work of art! A masterpiece! You've just created a new background to use on a web page.

Step 30: SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author Unknown

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class   to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

  "NO!" the children answered.  

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,  and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"  

 Again, the answer was, "NO!"

 By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!  

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy  to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"  

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"  

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"   

Then a five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Author Unknown

Puppy Size

"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to   this animal shelter at least five times.  It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.

"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.

"Puppy size!" replied the mother.

"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."

"I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.

"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.

Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one

One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not THE one."

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it!  I found the right puppy! He's the one, I know it!" she
screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"

"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.

"No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs   of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.

They are the sighs of the Creator. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. As they say, "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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